Scale of Stoopid

There exists an assumption of a minimum level of intelligence that drivers require in order to be ... well, drivers. Observation, however, would appear to indicate to me that this assumption may prove to be incorrect. Apart from an assumed level of intelligence, there is also an assumed level of education.

Education. Hmm, that's a sticky word in this country. But politics aside, I remember having to sit in a theory class for something like 5 hours before I got my learner's licence while some authoritative person up front told us how many seconds away we had to be from the car in front. We also learnt about giving way to the right, caution to the left; what to do at red lights (I think ... or maybe I knew that already); what different signs and markings meant; and how far away you could park from a fire hydrant.

All important stuff.

I mean, it IS in fact, important to know the theory of driving. So why on earth did they call this class a "theory class"?? So I don't get this wrong, I have in front of me a dictionary. It states:

theory / noun

• 1. one or more ideas that explain how or why something happens;
• 2. the set of general principles that a particular subject is based on;
• 3. an idea that you believe is true although you have no proof.

Attempting to apply any of these definitions to our theory class:

• 1. is definitely not true. There was no explanation of "how" or "why" we had to do things, only "what";
• 2. is probably closest, though also inaccurate. We all know that the general principle behind marking an intersection with a yellow box is so that people don't stop inside it. They still do;
• 3. is again not true. We have proof of the opposite, by observation.

So, really, I think they just call it theory because it isn't practice. Once we get our L's, we are then supposed to continue with our driver's education. And here it's all practice and no theory. Gears, clutches, accelerator, mirror, adjusting your seat, checking your lights and your wipers, actual driving. (I'll talk about learning to drive in a Kancil another day, and that many of us will continue on to drive point-and-shoot automatics.)

But still, all important stuff. Sometimes I do wonder if they still teach you how to use the indicator, but I'm pretty certain they do.

So then we're all set to drive, right? I mean, we must be. We get our licence, and sure, we're on our P's for a period of time, but the government has never-the-less certified us to commandeer a thousand kilos of mobile metal ... so we must be. The rest will come with experience.

That's where I have a problem.

You see, learning by experience is fine. But humans were not meant to stop there. My personal quote is "It's good to learn from your own mistakes, but better to learn from someone else's.". We have the ability to gather and interpret information, and then formulate conclusions, based on situations that we may never be a part of, in fact which may not have even happened in our lifetime. "Lessons of history", they say.

So, do we need to have an accident before we think that doing 80 round a blind corner just might kill us? Do we need to be flung out of the car through the front windshield before we decide that seatbelts are a good idea. The answer is no. Otherwise it's just a question of lucky or dead.

Thus is born the Scale of Stoopid (because you can't spell stupid).

How high on the Scale of Stoopid do you have to be to let your three-foot-high bundle-of-joy stand unrestrained on the middle of the back seat? It's like free-falling, only horizontal. A sudden stop and you might as well have thrown her off the balcony of your high-rise apartment unit. Do the math.

Oh, that right. We never got taught the math in our theory class, did we? Funny, because THAT's the theory that counts, literally. We wonder why people have the stupidest accidents and kill themselves. BECAUSE WE DIDN'T TEACH THEM NOT TO, nor HOW not to, nor WHY not to. We assumed that minimum level of education.

But seriously, you don't have to teach them advanced maths to help them understand, and hopefully control, the situations that they will find themselves in. Teach them to wear a seatbelt. Teach them to keep their tyres correctly pumped. Teach them to stay far enough back from the car in front. Teach them to use their indicator. Teach them to stay within the speed limit. Teach them how to overtake. (Eventually, they will drive fast. Just like eventually your teenage daughter will have sex.) Teach them how to predict the behaviour of other drivers. And teach them WHY. The correct reason is NOT because you'll get fined and put in jail if you don't.

Friction. Surfaces. Inertia. Gravity. Acceleration. Stopping distances. Wear and tear. Psychology.

Eyes Open. Mouth Shut. Brain Involved.

Important stuff.

When I was overseas I did a low-risk driving course. Note that it wasn't an "advanced driving course" that teaches you how to get out of a skid and generally useless rubbish like that. (We're talking about the average road-going driver here, not race car wannabes.) Instead, it taught you how to avoiding getting yourself into a skid in the first place. It was run by an insurance company, so I guess I know what the motivating factor was. I thought a lot of it was common sense, but still, it did cover a lot more stuff than the standard government-issue driving courses. Crash avoidance spaces. A little on predicting driver behaviour. Things like that. Though still not perfect, it was a huge improvement over the base level course and I think should be made mandatory.

So anyway, back to Malaysia. Lack of education says we didn't teach our drivers properly. However, pathetically inadequate driving courses aside, most of our drivers have achieved high school level education, and many of them did physics and advanced/additional maths, or at the very least, general science. Also, many drivers are not totally isolated from the outside world (they DO drive on public roads with other users, and possibly even read/hear/see the news occasionally), so they would be aware of the many horrendous and not-so-horrendous traffic accidents that occur.

So, many were, in fact, educated in relevant subject matter to some degree.

What does that mean, then? In this case, Scale of Stoopid wonders.

Someone once told me that stupidity is not the same as ignorance. I agree. Lack of education should never be confused with lack of intelligence. Just like you shouldn't judge a book by its cover. But when lives are at risk, does it really matter how good the book is if you never read it?

Read it.

What Makes A Malaysian Driver?

Well hello there Mr Blog. I haven't seen you for a while. The truth is, I've been inundated by applications for the two competitions I announced last time. Everybody wants to be a winner, and everybody tries. So, I've decided to scrap them. Too much paperwork.

Anyway, I was driving today (as I do most days), and watching, observing, predicting other drivers ... as one is apt to do when one wants to avoid accidents ... and I thought to myself "what a wonderful world ...". No, seriously, it was a blue sky with a bit of cloud cover so it wasn't so hot, and it really was a beautiful day.

But then reality set in and after a couple (of handfuls) more applications for A-hole of the Month, I got to thinking about the hallmarks of the Malaysian Drivers of whom we speak. (Yes, I am aware that a few bad apples is all it takes to ruin the barrell of otherwise good apples.)

So this is my summary (main characteristics):

• Impatience
• Thoughtlessness
• Selfishness
• Plus a sprinkling of "attitood"

I'm open to comments.

I've also observed that under average circumstances, the average car is driven by the average person, averagely speaking. The REAL contenders you have to watch out for are the ones who drive shitboxes with ridiculous modifications (I don't mean over-modified necessarily - more "brainless" and totally uncool), as well as the more expensive cars. (But not the REALLY expensive cars; just the wannabe expensive cars, like Perdanas and lower-scale "luxury" Japanese and European makes.)

I Drive a Perdana. That Makes it MY Road.

I was on the LDP today, in the so-called "fast lane", overtaking a rather sedate average car. Sure enough, Mr Perdana's suddenly on my tail trying to lick my anus. That doesn't do a lot for me, but people have weird fetishes so upon completing my tricky overtaking manouevre, I indicate and pull back in the the left lane. From the handful of clues the bastard had already given me, I already knew that his behaviour would be to fly past, slowing just enough to stare me down. I should have waggled my tongue, but I just glared at him with disdain. A surge of acceleration later, he's trying to make out with the next guy's tailpipe.

First comment: If you're in a rush in the fast lane, and sombody's in front of you going slow with nobody in the left lane, you could ... shock, horror ... pull over to the left and pass him. The highway does, after all, have more than one lane. You don't have to be rude to do it. A-hole.

Second comment: If there are cars in both lanes, and you're trying to get through, don't be a d*ckhead. Usually the people in the right lane are in fact going faster than the left lane. Everybody needs to go somewhere and they don't need a selfish childish git like you pushing their way through, just like the little fat kid at the school canteen (that was probably you as a child, wasn't it?). Their Malaysian-made car probably couldn't handle any more acceleration anyway, even if they wanted to go faster.

Third comment: There is absolutely no excuse for tail-gating. If you REALLY REALLY need to pee, flick your lights or honk your horn. Most drivers, though offended, would still let you through. By getting close enough to rub yourself on their backside you're displaying your own lack of social upbringing. Furthermore ... and this may come as a suprise to you ... it's dangerous. I've seen a bumper sticker that reads: "If you're close enough to read this, I could step on my brakes and sue you.". It's true, and you'd deserve it.

Fourth comment: One of my passengers made mention that that's how some of my friends drive. A-holes. Maybe good people, but the road is neither a race track nor a place to display your emotions. Keep them in the car, not on the accelator. No further comment.

Look Mommy! No Brains!

Hands up who thinks strobe lights in place of your head lights is cool. Morons. Wouldn't it be funny if the oncoming driver was epileptic and had a seizure because of your lights, resulting in an accident with your car. I'd laugh. I'd also think it was sad, but not for you.

Say "aye" all those who think disconnecting your reverse lights makes you a chick magnet. Idiots. You think reverse lights are for decoration, is it?

My Car is Special. So Am I.

The other day I was coming off the Penchala link and what I think was a TVR flew past. I couldn't be sure, but anyway I'm not a car expert. It was red, and if I'm not mistaken had a soft****, I mean, top.

I sped up a bit to admire it, but it still disappeared into the horizon. Nice car, I thought to myself. The driver obviously had an inflated opinion of himself (like me, some would say), but nice car all the same.

Coming over a crest, the exit came into view before me. His driving had already given me a few hints, but I really hoped he was going to take the right exit. Unsurprisingly, at very last possible moment (and I mean VERY last possible moment), he cut in front of the lone car in the left exit. (Without indicating, if that makes a difference.) Obviously a wannabe race car driver. Not many red TVR-looking machines around, so if you think you know the driver of this car, you probably do. Is he in fact Malaysian, or does he just belong on our roads?

Plenty More

There's plenty more material for me to work with. Traffic lights, yellow boxes, cigarette butts. But not today. The sky's blue and the breeze is cool. And all the a-holes out there probably have no idea.

Screw You! Malaysians Aren't Rude!

Back in June, Readers Digest published an article which said, among others, that Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia won bronze in it's survey of the World's Rudest Countries. Yes, bronze means third place. Granted, only 35 cities were surveyed.

That being the case, the typically publicised Malaysian (read: "authorities'"); responses were predictable in their defence and denial. Who do they think they're kidding? Of course, there were also other high-pitched nattery posts ranging from claims of unscientific methods (how do you quantify "rudeness", exactly?) to outraged modesty to outright denial.

They missed the point. (And I might forgive them if they've never been to KL.) For once, it was a title we didn't want. (Everyone knows how we have the Biggest, Longest, Tallest, Smallest of everything ... or at least we like to think we do.) Not in this case. But what's the problem? We only ranked third. Not even "RUDEST". We're getting sloppy.

Point of the matter is that all one has to do to find rudeness in this country is take a drive. It doesn't have to be a long drive. It could be just around the corner. Which is exactly what I did today. And I wasn't disappointed. Far from it.

With that in mind, I finally decided to start my blog. I dedicate this to all the categories of Malaysian drivers there are, as well as those who think they're above categorisation. I also dedicate this to the wonderful efforts of the authorities who, though apparently well-meaning, have trouble designing intersections, and have probably never heard of a traffic light change interval, much less intelligent design. (Or was that "intelligent signs"? Probably both.)

I would like to state two things for the record.

Firstly, I am Malaysian. I was born here, I grew up here and now I live here. I love this country. There are so many great things about us. But our drivers isn't one of them. We have great roads (in KL, for the most part), but we forget that the work doesn't stop at the asphalt. I have effectively been collecting material for this blog my whole life, but specifically since I've had a drivers' license. In short, I'm as qualified as anyone to write this shit.

Secondly, it is not my intention to hurt your feelings. But I won't let that stop me from stating a fact, even if it is coloured with my opinion. If you drive with your feelings, you should probably see that your life insurance policy is up-to-date. I mean it. As a country we lack the ability (or platform) to express our negative emotions in a constructive manner (as if everything's always happy, right?), and that's something our beloved government has to address. (And I'm not talking about ISA.) See, we undoubtedly have bad drivers, but after thinking about it for a few seconds, it's plain to see that the blame cannot fall entirely on them. (Sure, it's their mother's fault.) But seriously, the rakyat is only half of the equation. I alluded to the other half earlier.

And before anyone else says it, I'm not comparing Malaysian drivers with drivers of any other country any more than I'm comparing them against ourselves. The thing is, WE KNOW what the indicator is for. WE KNOW we should use it, even. (Knowing what it's for and using it for the intended purpose are two different things, and WE KNOW THEM BOTH.) WE KNOW what double continuous lines mean. WE KNOW what we should do at a red light. WE KNOW ALL THIS. We just don't use that knowledge. (Somebody tell me what stupid means, again?)

There are some other things I want to say, but now I haven't the time.

I will, however, say that I have found the winner of the A-hole of the Month award that I invented today. (And it's only the 15th of the month, Woohoo!) ... coupled with a number of minor Pr*ck of the Day awards that some people insisted on. More on that later, complete with plate numbers. (Hey, they're there for a reason, right? Though in Malaysian tradition I might consider censoring some of them ... because they may possibly have had a legitimate reason for being so (e.g. chain-saw accident, wife in labour, child swallowed pesticide thinking it was daddy's lihing ... things like that), and I wouldn't want to subject them to further abuse.)