What Makes A Malaysian Driver?

Well hello there Mr Blog. I haven't seen you for a while. The truth is, I've been inundated by applications for the two competitions I announced last time. Everybody wants to be a winner, and everybody tries. So, I've decided to scrap them. Too much paperwork.

Anyway, I was driving today (as I do most days), and watching, observing, predicting other drivers ... as one is apt to do when one wants to avoid accidents ... and I thought to myself "what a wonderful world ...". No, seriously, it was a blue sky with a bit of cloud cover so it wasn't so hot, and it really was a beautiful day.

But then reality set in and after a couple (of handfuls) more applications for A-hole of the Month, I got to thinking about the hallmarks of the Malaysian Drivers of whom we speak. (Yes, I am aware that a few bad apples is all it takes to ruin the barrell of otherwise good apples.)

So this is my summary (main characteristics):

• Impatience
• Thoughtlessness
• Selfishness
• Plus a sprinkling of "attitood"

I'm open to comments.

I've also observed that under average circumstances, the average car is driven by the average person, averagely speaking. The REAL contenders you have to watch out for are the ones who drive shitboxes with ridiculous modifications (I don't mean over-modified necessarily - more "brainless" and totally uncool), as well as the more expensive cars. (But not the REALLY expensive cars; just the wannabe expensive cars, like Perdanas and lower-scale "luxury" Japanese and European makes.)

I Drive a Perdana. That Makes it MY Road.

I was on the LDP today, in the so-called "fast lane", overtaking a rather sedate average car. Sure enough, Mr Perdana's suddenly on my tail trying to lick my anus. That doesn't do a lot for me, but people have weird fetishes so upon completing my tricky overtaking manouevre, I indicate and pull back in the the left lane. From the handful of clues the bastard had already given me, I already knew that his behaviour would be to fly past, slowing just enough to stare me down. I should have waggled my tongue, but I just glared at him with disdain. A surge of acceleration later, he's trying to make out with the next guy's tailpipe.

First comment: If you're in a rush in the fast lane, and sombody's in front of you going slow with nobody in the left lane, you could ... shock, horror ... pull over to the left and pass him. The highway does, after all, have more than one lane. You don't have to be rude to do it. A-hole.

Second comment: If there are cars in both lanes, and you're trying to get through, don't be a d*ckhead. Usually the people in the right lane are in fact going faster than the left lane. Everybody needs to go somewhere and they don't need a selfish childish git like you pushing their way through, just like the little fat kid at the school canteen (that was probably you as a child, wasn't it?). Their Malaysian-made car probably couldn't handle any more acceleration anyway, even if they wanted to go faster.

Third comment: There is absolutely no excuse for tail-gating. If you REALLY REALLY need to pee, flick your lights or honk your horn. Most drivers, though offended, would still let you through. By getting close enough to rub yourself on their backside you're displaying your own lack of social upbringing. Furthermore ... and this may come as a suprise to you ... it's dangerous. I've seen a bumper sticker that reads: "If you're close enough to read this, I could step on my brakes and sue you.". It's true, and you'd deserve it.

Fourth comment: One of my passengers made mention that that's how some of my friends drive. A-holes. Maybe good people, but the road is neither a race track nor a place to display your emotions. Keep them in the car, not on the accelator. No further comment.

Look Mommy! No Brains!

Hands up who thinks strobe lights in place of your head lights is cool. Morons. Wouldn't it be funny if the oncoming driver was epileptic and had a seizure because of your lights, resulting in an accident with your car. I'd laugh. I'd also think it was sad, but not for you.

Say "aye" all those who think disconnecting your reverse lights makes you a chick magnet. Idiots. You think reverse lights are for decoration, is it?

My Car is Special. So Am I.

The other day I was coming off the Penchala link and what I think was a TVR flew past. I couldn't be sure, but anyway I'm not a car expert. It was red, and if I'm not mistaken had a soft****, I mean, top.

I sped up a bit to admire it, but it still disappeared into the horizon. Nice car, I thought to myself. The driver obviously had an inflated opinion of himself (like me, some would say), but nice car all the same.

Coming over a crest, the exit came into view before me. His driving had already given me a few hints, but I really hoped he was going to take the right exit. Unsurprisingly, at very last possible moment (and I mean VERY last possible moment), he cut in front of the lone car in the left exit. (Without indicating, if that makes a difference.) Obviously a wannabe race car driver. Not many red TVR-looking machines around, so if you think you know the driver of this car, you probably do. Is he in fact Malaysian, or does he just belong on our roads?

Plenty More

There's plenty more material for me to work with. Traffic lights, yellow boxes, cigarette butts. But not today. The sky's blue and the breeze is cool. And all the a-holes out there probably have no idea.

Screw You! Malaysians Aren't Rude!

Back in June, Readers Digest published an article which said, among others, that Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia won bronze in it's survey of the World's Rudest Countries. Yes, bronze means third place. Granted, only 35 cities were surveyed.

That being the case, the typically publicised Malaysian (read: "authorities'"); responses were predictable in their defence and denial. Who do they think they're kidding? Of course, there were also other high-pitched nattery posts ranging from claims of unscientific methods (how do you quantify "rudeness", exactly?) to outraged modesty to outright denial.

They missed the point. (And I might forgive them if they've never been to KL.) For once, it was a title we didn't want. (Everyone knows how we have the Biggest, Longest, Tallest, Smallest of everything ... or at least we like to think we do.) Not in this case. But what's the problem? We only ranked third. Not even "RUDEST". We're getting sloppy.

Point of the matter is that all one has to do to find rudeness in this country is take a drive. It doesn't have to be a long drive. It could be just around the corner. Which is exactly what I did today. And I wasn't disappointed. Far from it.

With that in mind, I finally decided to start my blog. I dedicate this to all the categories of Malaysian drivers there are, as well as those who think they're above categorisation. I also dedicate this to the wonderful efforts of the authorities who, though apparently well-meaning, have trouble designing intersections, and have probably never heard of a traffic light change interval, much less intelligent design. (Or was that "intelligent signs"? Probably both.)

I would like to state two things for the record.

Firstly, I am Malaysian. I was born here, I grew up here and now I live here. I love this country. There are so many great things about us. But our drivers isn't one of them. We have great roads (in KL, for the most part), but we forget that the work doesn't stop at the asphalt. I have effectively been collecting material for this blog my whole life, but specifically since I've had a drivers' license. In short, I'm as qualified as anyone to write this shit.

Secondly, it is not my intention to hurt your feelings. But I won't let that stop me from stating a fact, even if it is coloured with my opinion. If you drive with your feelings, you should probably see that your life insurance policy is up-to-date. I mean it. As a country we lack the ability (or platform) to express our negative emotions in a constructive manner (as if everything's always happy, right?), and that's something our beloved government has to address. (And I'm not talking about ISA.) See, we undoubtedly have bad drivers, but after thinking about it for a few seconds, it's plain to see that the blame cannot fall entirely on them. (Sure, it's their mother's fault.) But seriously, the rakyat is only half of the equation. I alluded to the other half earlier.

And before anyone else says it, I'm not comparing Malaysian drivers with drivers of any other country any more than I'm comparing them against ourselves. The thing is, WE KNOW what the indicator is for. WE KNOW we should use it, even. (Knowing what it's for and using it for the intended purpose are two different things, and WE KNOW THEM BOTH.) WE KNOW what double continuous lines mean. WE KNOW what we should do at a red light. WE KNOW ALL THIS. We just don't use that knowledge. (Somebody tell me what stupid means, again?)

There are some other things I want to say, but now I haven't the time.

I will, however, say that I have found the winner of the A-hole of the Month award that I invented today. (And it's only the 15th of the month, Woohoo!) ... coupled with a number of minor Pr*ck of the Day awards that some people insisted on. More on that later, complete with plate numbers. (Hey, they're there for a reason, right? Though in Malaysian tradition I might consider censoring some of them ... because they may possibly have had a legitimate reason for being so (e.g. chain-saw accident, wife in labour, child swallowed pesticide thinking it was daddy's lihing ... things like that), and I wouldn't want to subject them to further abuse.)