What Makes A Malaysian Driver?

Well hello there Mr Blog. I haven't seen you for a while. The truth is, I've been inundated by applications for the two competitions I announced last time. Everybody wants to be a winner, and everybody tries. So, I've decided to scrap them. Too much paperwork.

Anyway, I was driving today (as I do most days), and watching, observing, predicting other drivers ... as one is apt to do when one wants to avoid accidents ... and I thought to myself "what a wonderful world ...". No, seriously, it was a blue sky with a bit of cloud cover so it wasn't so hot, and it really was a beautiful day.

But then reality set in and after a couple (of handfuls) more applications for A-hole of the Month, I got to thinking about the hallmarks of the Malaysian Drivers of whom we speak. (Yes, I am aware that a few bad apples is all it takes to ruin the barrell of otherwise good apples.)

So this is my summary (main characteristics):

• Impatience
• Thoughtlessness
• Selfishness
• Plus a sprinkling of "attitood"

I'm open to comments.

I've also observed that under average circumstances, the average car is driven by the average person, averagely speaking. The REAL contenders you have to watch out for are the ones who drive shitboxes with ridiculous modifications (I don't mean over-modified necessarily - more "brainless" and totally uncool), as well as the more expensive cars. (But not the REALLY expensive cars; just the wannabe expensive cars, like Perdanas and lower-scale "luxury" Japanese and European makes.)

I Drive a Perdana. That Makes it MY Road.

I was on the LDP today, in the so-called "fast lane", overtaking a rather sedate average car. Sure enough, Mr Perdana's suddenly on my tail trying to lick my anus. That doesn't do a lot for me, but people have weird fetishes so upon completing my tricky overtaking manouevre, I indicate and pull back in the the left lane. From the handful of clues the bastard had already given me, I already knew that his behaviour would be to fly past, slowing just enough to stare me down. I should have waggled my tongue, but I just glared at him with disdain. A surge of acceleration later, he's trying to make out with the next guy's tailpipe.

First comment: If you're in a rush in the fast lane, and sombody's in front of you going slow with nobody in the left lane, you could ... shock, horror ... pull over to the left and pass him. The highway does, after all, have more than one lane. You don't have to be rude to do it. A-hole.

Second comment: If there are cars in both lanes, and you're trying to get through, don't be a d*ckhead. Usually the people in the right lane are in fact going faster than the left lane. Everybody needs to go somewhere and they don't need a selfish childish git like you pushing their way through, just like the little fat kid at the school canteen (that was probably you as a child, wasn't it?). Their Malaysian-made car probably couldn't handle any more acceleration anyway, even if they wanted to go faster.

Third comment: There is absolutely no excuse for tail-gating. If you REALLY REALLY need to pee, flick your lights or honk your horn. Most drivers, though offended, would still let you through. By getting close enough to rub yourself on their backside you're displaying your own lack of social upbringing. Furthermore ... and this may come as a suprise to you ... it's dangerous. I've seen a bumper sticker that reads: "If you're close enough to read this, I could step on my brakes and sue you.". It's true, and you'd deserve it.

Fourth comment: One of my passengers made mention that that's how some of my friends drive. A-holes. Maybe good people, but the road is neither a race track nor a place to display your emotions. Keep them in the car, not on the accelator. No further comment.

Look Mommy! No Brains!

Hands up who thinks strobe lights in place of your head lights is cool. Morons. Wouldn't it be funny if the oncoming driver was epileptic and had a seizure because of your lights, resulting in an accident with your car. I'd laugh. I'd also think it was sad, but not for you.

Say "aye" all those who think disconnecting your reverse lights makes you a chick magnet. Idiots. You think reverse lights are for decoration, is it?

My Car is Special. So Am I.

The other day I was coming off the Penchala link and what I think was a TVR flew past. I couldn't be sure, but anyway I'm not a car expert. It was red, and if I'm not mistaken had a soft****, I mean, top.

I sped up a bit to admire it, but it still disappeared into the horizon. Nice car, I thought to myself. The driver obviously had an inflated opinion of himself (like me, some would say), but nice car all the same.

Coming over a crest, the exit came into view before me. His driving had already given me a few hints, but I really hoped he was going to take the right exit. Unsurprisingly, at very last possible moment (and I mean VERY last possible moment), he cut in front of the lone car in the left exit. (Without indicating, if that makes a difference.) Obviously a wannabe race car driver. Not many red TVR-looking machines around, so if you think you know the driver of this car, you probably do. Is he in fact Malaysian, or does he just belong on our roads?

Plenty More

There's plenty more material for me to work with. Traffic lights, yellow boxes, cigarette butts. But not today. The sky's blue and the breeze is cool. And all the a-holes out there probably have no idea.